I've Been Deader Read online

  Between the pain in his neck and the pain in the ass, he felt extra raw today. They'd been on the road for less than twenty minutes and he already sported a coffee-stain on his new dress shirt, white of course - a result of bashing the damned Tom-Tom against the dashboard. It seemed every place Jon Tanner wanted to go in life was outside of satellite coverage.

  He rolled his shoulders trying to appease his neck, and turned on the radio hoping to drown out Jeffrey's relentless bitching. Neither his neck nor his stepson was having any of it.

  The hot story on the radio was the massacre in Corksville, a pissant little town somewhere in western Pennsylvania. Dozens murdered ... senseless violence similar to the incident in Comfort, Colorado ... blah, blah, blah. Jon switched to an Oldies R&R station. He didn't need some airwave dipshit telling him there were fucked up people in the world. On WRTH Freddie Mercury had come back from the dead, hallelujah! "All dead, all dead, but I should not grieve. In time it comes to everyone..."

  "... Why do I have to go every week? I hate it there. Everyone smells like pee."

  Lori didn't bother looking up from her magazine.

  "It was almost two months ago, and you're going again because it's her birthday. She's eighty today and she wants to see her favorite grandson."

  Jon stole another glance at Lori and for just a second he had the strongest urge to lean over and smack her a good one on the back of the head. That would get her to look up from her goddamned rag. Instead he took a deep breath and stared daggers at the road.

  Ahead, a hitchhiker shambled down the road. Even from a distance Jon could tell he was high or drunk or something. He kept wandering into the street and then serpentining back and forth. Without thinking Jon gave the car a little more gas.

  "I'm her only grandson and she never remembers my name or who I am. Last time she even forgot to put her teeth in. She was gumming an apple the whole time we were there. She's gross."

  Jon couldn't help smiling at that. Penny did smell like pee and she was gross. Truth be told, that whole place gave him the willies. He knew that if Jeffrey wasn't here, he'd be saying much the same thing about now. God knows he could think of better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon.

  What really burned his tacos was that Lori felt the same way. She loved her mother, sure. But the primary motivators for today's visit were Guilt, Shame and Obligation. Love was a distant fourth.

  The hitchhiker took a step into the road and Jon swerved around and past him, tires squealing in protest. He caught a glimpse of the slack-jawed hippie as he sped past. He had a cardboard sign hanging around his neck with the words ‘NEW JERSEY’ written in bold black marker.

  "Probably stoned out of his mind," Jon murmured. Lori gave an "ummm" of agreement without looking up. Jeffrey, proving he was indeed his mother's son, never looked up from his game.

  Engrossed in his game, Jeffrey was taking a rare break from his bitching. Jon sent a prayer of thanks to the makers of Nintendo. God bless extended battery life. With luck the kid would spend the rest of the trip trying to catch some friggin' Pokémon or guiding Tony Hawk through the world's most dangerous skating park or some other brain-rotting bullshit.

  * * *

  Stop 'N Go

  A short while later, Jon pulled into an Exxon station. Lori's car was a little too small for him and after being crammed behind the wheel for two hours he had to stretch his legs and back.

  He got out of the car and rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder in the small hope of relieving his neck pain. Disappointed with the lack of bone-cracking relief, he walked over to the pump and swiped his credit card. Theirs was the only car on either of the two islands. The Stop 'n Go, although lit and sporting a neon Open sign, was empty.

  Inside the car Jeffrey rolled down the window.

  "Can I get a soda?"

  Jon frowned. "Ask your mother."

  "I did. She said to ask you."

  "Jesus H. Christ," Jon muttered. He fished a buck out of his pocket and handed it to Jeff. "Use the vending machine in front there. I don't think the store's open."

  Jeffrey took the bill and shot out of the car. And did he say 'thanks, Jon'? He did not. He sprinted over to the machine and looked up and down the short list of choices.

  Half-watching the kid at the machine, Jon caught movement from the corner of his eye. One of the food displays in the Stop 'N Go shook, as if someone had bumped into it. Somebody's home after all, he thought, although the display still blocked whoever was inside from his sight.

  He could hear Jeffrey humming the Pokémon theme song. He was still standing before the machine, agonizing over which drink to purchase. Trying to decide between Coke and root beer, I bet. Jeffrey was a root beer junkie but he couldn't stand birch beer. The machine probably carried a brand he had never heard of and he was weighing the risks of the purchase.

  Inside the store he saw a man wearing the signature Stop 'n Go shit-brown blazer and striped bill cap, limping toward the store's front door. He looked like death warmed over from where Jon was standing. His skin looked grey, and even from this distance Jon could see the man's eyes were white and filmy. He figured it must have been the lighting. Those cheap fluorescents made everything look washed-out and wrong.

  He finished pumping the gas and got back in the car. Glancing over at Jeffrey, he watched the kid finally make his choice and try to feed the machine the wrinkled bill.

  "You know, the kid is right. Your mother doesn't remember what she had for breakfast, let alone her grandson. You could have gone by yourself and left us home."

  Lori dropped the People on the floor between her feet.

  Miracles do happen.

  "I'm not driving two hours there and two hours back alone."

  "You're not driving at all," Jon groused, still looking at Jeffrey. He leaned out the window. "Let's go, Jeff."

  The man inside the Stop 'n Go was almost at the door.

  Jeff kept pushing the dollar into the machine and the machine kept returning it. "It won't take my money."

  My money, Jon thought. "Go inside and buy it. Store's open," he shouted. He gave a half wave to the store manager. "Hurry up, kid."

  Smiling, Jon watched Jeff push the dollar in again.

  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's what Mr. Miller, his old science teacher always said.

  The machine took the bill.

  He may be insane but he won't go thirsty, Jon said to himself.

  The attendant was at the door now. No doubt he wanted to make sure the kid wasn't screwing around with the machine. Jon didn't blame him for being suspicious, and it was nice to know he wasn't the only one Jeffrey rubbed the wrong way.

  Jeff hit the Root Beer button, taking his chances with the unknown brand. The machine seemed to take a few seconds to consider his request then coughed up the can. Jeff grabbed it and started to run to the car.

  "And we won't be visiting again for a long time, honey. You know that." Lori placed her hand on his shoulder and leaned against him. Jon turned to her and gave her a quick kiss.

  "Sorry. You know how cranky I get over long drives." And missing football games, he thought. "Let's get this day over with and get back to the house," he said, and kissed her a little harder and longer. He felt her relax against him, and some of the tension seeped out of the knot in his neck.

  Something knocked against the car, startling them both. Jon turned his head, and Jeffrey knocked again.

  "It's locked," he said.

  Jon found the button and unlocked the door, already starting the engine.

  "And to grand goddamned mother's cell we go," he muttered and pulled back onto the road. Looking at the rear view mirror, he saw the attendant, now outside the Stop 'n Go, turn toward a mini-van which was pulling into the station.

  * * *

  The Visit

  Mother Mary's Nursing Home was located in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by lots of pretty trees and rolling hills. B
lah, blah, blah. Jon hated it. He pulled into the empty parking lot and cut the engine. Lori opened her eyes and lazily rubbed her neck.

  She yawned. "Here already?"

  Jon scowled.

  "Yeah, time flies when you're sleeping."

  For the last thirty miles it was all he could do to keep his eyes open. He cursed himself for not grabbing a coffee back at the Stop 'n Go. Now he'd either have to drink the rancid brew they served at Mother Mary's and stay awake half the night, or stay dead on his feet until they got home. But at least Lori, who was responsible for dragging them out to this shithole, was well rested. Hallelujah.

  "Can I stay in the car?" Jeff was clicking away at his game, the empty root beer can nestled between his knees.

  Jon opened the car door and swung his legs out onto the pavement, leaning back with his head lying in Lori's lap.

  "No. If people let every kid who asked stay in the car, this place would be a playground. We came together, we'll suffer together."

  Lori rolled her eyes. "Please, Jon." She turned to Jeffrey, giving him a warm smile. "Your father's right, honey, at least about not staying in the car. Bring your game thingy if you want."

  Jon and Jeff spoke together.

  "He's not my father."

  "I'm not his father."

  They exited the safety of the car and made their way toward the building, Jeff with eyes glued to the small screen, Lori with a sunny smile painted on her face, and Jon with a mild headache, daydreaming about his couch, nachos, beer and football.

  There were plenty of parking spaces in front of the entrance, but he had parked closer to the back of the lot. It was part of his new exercise regime. Some crappy doctor on one of Lori's crappy talk shows had recommended taking the stairs at work, parking the car a few blocks away from where you wanted to go, and eating an apple instead of a Ring Ding every once in a while. Lori, sensing the possibility of another fifteen minute fad, had jumped on the idea and kept harping on it until he finally agreed to do it. The payoff was that she didn't bitch about what he ate as long as he walked a couple of hundred yards from and to his car. And fuck the apple.

  Never a tourist attraction on the best of days, Mother Mary's seemed even deader than usual today. The automatic doors slid open.

  "No dangerous swinging doors in the whole facility, praise God," Ms. Bachner had laughingly bragged to them when they had first toured the place. "We don't want the residents injuring themselves just by walking."

  Jon remembered thinking, Pride goeth before the fall, and for some reason he could not now recall, finding it to be the height of wit.

  Even here in the main lobby the air was a little stale and too warm. The front desk was empty, which Jon thought was unusual.

  "Where's the old guy?" Lori asked.

  "Dunno, maybe he's on break. Not like there are a lot of visitors to deal with today." Jon headed to the elevator. "Come on."

  He pressed the button and waited for one of the few modern miracles housed in Mother Mary's to arrive.

  "I suppose." Lori frowned and followed Jon.

  Jon shot Jeff an annoyed look. The kid was just standing at the entranceway, engrossed in that damned game. "Pay attention, Jeff. You stand in one place too long around here and they're going to think you're a resident."

  "Hmmm," Jeff replied, and walked over to the elevator, eyes still on the screen.

  "Jesus," Jon muttered.

  A muted ‘ding’ announced the elevator's arrival. The doors slid open and the three of them were assaulted with the stench of the unwashed. Jon gave an involuntarily cough. The smell was strong enough to cause Jeffrey to look up from his game.

  "Gross." Jeffrey mumbled into his arm, trying to fend off the stench.

  Jon was startled to see a very old, very thin and very dirty man, with his back to them. He wore a hospital gown untied in the back, treating Jon and the others to a view of a gray raisined ass and a crooked back that sported scattered patches of gray hair. The resident was softly banging his head against the elevator walls, perhaps in time to the muzak version of the Beatles' Penny Lane playing from a speaker in the elevator.

  "Umm, I think we'll get the next one," he said, turning his face away from raisin ass.

  The old man stopped his quiet head-banging when Jon spoke, and started to turn around. Just as the elevator doors closed Jon saw Methuselah lunge at the doors. There was a meaty thud and he thought he heard moaning coming from the elevator.

  "What the fuck?"

  "Jon." Lori swatted his arm.

  "Did you see that?"

  "See what?"

  Someone needs to put Old Yella down.

  "Nothing. Never mind."

  The next elevator was blessedly empty. Jon hit 'three' and closed his eyes. This was going to be a long ass day. After a few moments the elevator chimed and opened on the third floor, directly into the Social Room. An old color TV, a few checkerboards, a bridge table and even a pool table were there for the residents to ignore. There were about twenty people in the room, but Jon noted that they weren't playing checkers, cards, pool or even watching TV, which was only broadcasting snow. Most just stood there not doing much of anything. A few shuffled about in small circles, reminding Jon of dogs looking for a place to lie down.

  "That is one heavily medicated group," he muttered.

  Lori barely looked up. She guided Jeffrey, hand on his shoulder, so that he didn't have to break eye contact with his precious game.

  "You give a whole new meaning to the term 'enabler'," Jon complained.

  She ignored the comment. "Let's check her room and then I want to find a nurse. We haven't seen any employees here yet. What if we were thieves, or worse? Unacceptable."

  Jon smiled at the idea of thieves planning the great Mother Mary's Nursing Home Heist. He could see the headlines already.

  ROBBERS STRIKE NURSING HOME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! MAKE OFF WITH OVER $10.00 WORTH OF SUGAR FREE BUTTERSCOTCH CANDY!

  The three made their way down the hall. Jeffrey had escaped his mother's guiding hand and fell a little behind. None of them heard the soft shuffling sounds coming from somewhere behind them as the residents of the Social Room took their show on the road.

  A large glass window on the left showcased the Dance Room. Jon heard Michael Jackson singing one of those crappy tunes from Thriller. Inside were a dozen ladies doing what looked like some bizarre jazzercise routine for the fossilized. There was more meandering than jazz dancing going on, but he supposed any movement was good movement. Even the instructor seemed a bit out of it. She was younger than her students by about five hundred years and she looked pretty fit, but she wasn't exactly bubbling with enthusiasm, or even keeping good time with the music. Her movements were jerky and random.

  Maybe she should try the Park and Walk road to better health, he mused.

  They arrived outside Room 323, which stood halfway open. They were about to go in when Lori noticed an orderly down the hall.

  "Wait here," she said. "I want to have a word with that man."

  Jon sighed. "Hurry up. Let's get this over with."

  Lori walked down the hall using her I-mean-business stride.

  Jon looked down at Jeffrey. "Go inside and say happy birthday to your grandma. When your mother comes back we'll duck out and hide in the cafeteria while she finishes her visit."

  Better rancid coffee and pudding than sitting in that small hot room for an hour watching the old lady gum a piece of fruit.

  Jeffrey sighed. "Fine." He walked into the room, still staring at his screen. "Hi, grandma."

  Standing outside the door, Jon turned to look for a water fountain. That's when he saw the Social Room Road Show drifting toward him. All two dozen or so.

  Something icy made itself at home in Jon's stomach.

  "What the hell ...?"

  Now he started to notice a few things about the AARP Brigade. They all seemed to have little wounds in various places on their bodies.

  "Are those bite marks?" he whispered.


  They didn't look spaced out any more.

  They look hungry.

  A loud scream from the other end of the hallway made him whirl around.

  Lori was screaming and screaming as the orderly held her close. A bright spread of arterial red suddenly shot out from her neck. The orderly kept kissing her. Jon thought he could hear him moaning something. Then a hand fell upon his shoulder, and it was Jon's turn to scream.

  * * *

  Inside grandma's room, Jeffrey was no longer glued to his Nintendo screen. He heard the screams in the hall but they sounded muffled and far away. The room did smell like pee, but it was his own.

  A blood-soaked corpse lay on the floor. He could see its left hand. All the fingers except the thumb were gone. Grandma shambled over the body and closed in on her grandson, hands outstretched. In her mouth Jeffrey saw what could not possibly be a finger. She looked like she might have remembered Jeffrey after all.

  And, what do you know? Grandma remembered her teeth.

  Chapter 12

  Jon's Calling

  As the zombie's hand clawed at his shirt, Jon did three things. He screamed like a girl, pissed his pants, and stumbled backwards, smacking the back of his head against a metal fire extinguisher box and tearing a nice little gash across his scalp. The blow sent him to his knees for a few precious moments. He tried to stand and managed a short stumble that carried him a few feet further from the zombie's grasp. The rest of the Social Room Road Show, now playing exclusively at Mother Mary's Nursing Home, were only few yards away.

  At the sound of a child's scream the zombie parade came to a brief halt, their attention shifting toward Penny's room.

  "Jeffrey," Jon whispered.

  Reacting like Pavlov's dogs, a few of the undead started moving toward Penny's room.